I'm baby retarded

This is largely intentional, mind you, but it's true. When it comes to the birthing process I know to create babies and prevent them, and that's roughly it. Make a baby, 9 months-later the catcher gets down below the equator with the mit, pushy pushy, and poof! Baby!

Yes, I know it's not like that for real. But in my mind it is.

I've never witnessed it nor have I seen a birthing video, and no, I'm not missing anything. I don't care what you say. I don't need to see it, hear it, smell it...nope, no sir. If I ever become a father I'll totally become like Mister Baby Know-It-All, but for me to get from ignorance to bliss it will take the love of a good woman and a child of my own. Nothing less will accomplish such an otherwise impossibily difficult feat.

This was confirmed when I saw video of a pregnant woman's naked stomach on the TV. I gasped and pointed. Totally freaked out. Then I left the room.

The experience reminded me of a time when a girl I used to care about very much went into early labor. She hopped in the car w/her mom, her bf, and myself and we flew to the hospital. I guess she had a contraction or something (or maybe she was just scared) because it was way after hours but one loud scream-n-shout later, that door magically buzzed open and up the elevators we went.

As they wheeled her to whatever room she was going to we passed by a birthing room - empty, of course. I saw a birthing...chair? Table? Aparatus? Idunno what it's really called, but it resembled a medieval torture device. Stopped me dead in my tracks on sight. I stood there in terror, jaw dropped, stupified and bewildered that life could actually come out of a contraption like that, gripped with confusion to the point that I couldn't bring myself to look away - so much so that her mom had to come and find me after she realized I wasn't with them in the room. Then after she finally brought me into the room where her daughter was I saw these little black paddles on her stomach and I freaked out because there were beeps and jellies and buzzers and wires all over the place and I wanted the baby to be okay and her stomach was big and I'd never seen any of this crap before (nor have I since, thankfully).

Her mom turns to me and says, "It's okay, Scott. The baby's just stressed?"

"How the heck can a baby be stressed when it hasn't even been born yet??? Is it hearing her parents' discussions about bills and stuff?"

"No, stressed physically."

And no, I'm not making this up. That all really happened, and I'm still totally weirded out by baby stuff to this day. A couple years ago someone at work explained to me what an episiotomy was...I damn near fainted.

Baby stuff is just icky. Until, of course, it's my baby with my lady :-)