Fear, Coming Out, and a New Chapter

When my ex divorced me, my life changed.

That probably sounds like a colossal "Duh!" but hear me out.

Prior to being divorced I essentially lived my life with reckless abandon. I sold myself out in relationships and most everything else. For those that saw my efforts with .hack//ENEMY I think you saw some of the evidence of that - what I loved, I loved dearly, whole-heartedly, and with all the energy I had within myself.

Then came the divorce, and all that changed. Suddenly the once-fearless one became the picture of timidity. See, to me, the possibility of divorce wasn't in the scope of reality so hearing someone tell me, "I don't want to be married any more," was like someone trying to tell me that 1+1 did NOT equal 2...it just didn't, couldn't compute. But there was the reality I was forced to accept, and it literally changed my view of reality. Part of that change left me as a shell of my former self, timid and afraid.

I vowed to get better.

It took about two years to really get over the divorce and get back to a point where I could handle building new relationships - essentially a prototypical recovery. What I never regained, though, was my fearlessness, and that became evident in my relationships and conversation.

It wasn't what people saw that was the problem. It was what they didn't see.

What people saw was me dating again. They saw me having fun again. Smiling again. Goin' out with the guys and watching fights and gaming again. All that was fine and good, but fear was causing me to hide the most influential part of my life away from almost all that knew me.

I'm a Christian, but I wasn't showing it. I was afraid. Now many of you know I'm a Christian from prior conversations we've had, but that's not the point. The point is that if you didn't know before, you wouldn't have known from how I've represented myself over the past two years and that's pretty much antithetical to the faith.

It should come as no shock to me that once I started making Him a part of my life again, my fearlessness slowly....s l o w l y...started to return. Now this doesn't mean that suddenly I'm going to be this judgemental bible-thumper. To the contrary, this is about me being who I am again rather than me judging others. Frankly many of you have told me some very personal and sometimes controversial tidbits about yourself over the years, and I dare say that I've never placed judgement on any of you. That's not my place, nor my desire. Nor is it my desire to cram my faith down your throat. If you'd like to discuss faith-related issues I'll be more than happy to listen to you and talk with you. What this does mean, though, is that I'll not hide my faith any more, nor my faith-related concerns.

It also means that I should probably once again watch my language. You'll probably see less swearing in my blog posts and hear less swearing from me in general. I've also returned to youth ministry after a three and a half year hiatus: I've now taken an active role in my church's college ministry and am very much enjoying it. It's like an old warrior picking up his sword after being away from the front lines for many years...it's a little awkward, but it starts to come back to you after a few swings.

It also does NOT mean that I'm going to be any less opinionated on things. I like what I like, and I shun what I don't. I still love gaming and football and UFC fights and Ohio State and all that kind of stuff. Michigan still is where Satan was born. Etc, etc, etc.

One other thing this does mean is that I'll be starting a new chapter in my blogging. Rather than adding on to a blog that never let my spirituality come out, I think it's time to make a new start...a literal display of an internal change. My blogging will now take place at boyandhissword.blogspot.com. There you will find all the usual types of posts from me, however intermixed with them will be various posts relating to my spirituality. Some of you may not be interested in reading such things, and that's fine. I don't blame you if you choose not to visit the blog any more. Just know that I still value the friendship I have with all of you no matter what. Hopefully, though, you'll still visit the new blog.

It is what is was, just with a few new additions.

Crouching Clinton, Drunken Bush

A local radio station recorded Bush's recent speech for the purposes of slowing him down, stating that whatever he says is much easier to swallow when slowed down because it sounds like he's drunk.

And I'll be damned if they're not right. I heard a few clips and he just sounds absolutely sloshed. Heeelarious!

Then I heard a couple of clips of Hillary Clinton played slow, and she sounds like a mean drunk. MEEEAAANNN.

Hillary mean, Bush funny. If you get a chance to hear them slowed down, do give it a listen!!! In the meantime I'll see if I can find anything posted on the net.

Lost in Translation

See if you can translate what this says.

Hint = It's a full sentance.

"tyhiksiikeyhb9oarfdkswyhatiktl9o9oikslikikeafrteryh9ouspikllbeerf9onyh9our"

See the comments for an explanation.

So happy I could cry...

Hail to the Victors!!!

If anyone has any quotes from Carr after the game, please forward me the links. I'd *love* to see that post-game interview since he does so well with reporters.

Woody's Wisdom

It 1968 and Ohio State is beating Michigan 48-14 when Woody Hayes decides to go for the two-point conversion, a conspicuously bold decision as related to the game reset.

After the game a reporter approached Woody and asked, "Why'd you go for two, coach?"

"Because I couldn't go for three!"

Damn straight. Testify, coach!

Enjoyment

It's been quite a while since I've enjoyed life this much...

I was essentially told I'll be promoted sometime in the next 4-5 months this past Wednesday. Yesterday I bowled my best game ever, and nearly marked in every frame. It's football season and I'm watching a great game between Virginia Tech and East Carolina. Ohio State is winning soundly, Penn State is winning soundly, that school where Satan was born is losing to App. State, Peoria won yesterday, I'm gonna see a movie with the FGF and then she'll meet one of the best friends for dinner, fantasy draft is on Monday along with smoked ribs w/the fam, and all on a long weekend.

I tell you what, I could sure go for another piece of this pie!!!

Oh, and I found out my girlfriend is a table dancer! That's right. She's all mine, boys...go find your own table-dancing girlfriend.

It wouldn't be impossible for me to enjoy life more. There are definitely things that could make it better, but I'm not about to take this weekend for granted. This is goooood times!

Heeeeeeere's Abby!

For those who wanted a pic, here she be...


I made her laugh in this one :-D

The Jerome Trip

A few weeks ago the FGF and I headed north to Jerome, an old mining town and pseudo-ghost town, to check out the Perseid meteor shower. You can view a few pics here. I'd never been there before and it's a definite point of interest for Arizonans and tourists. After having been there for about a half hour, it was quickly apparent that there were four things in abundance - artists, homosexuals, bikers, and tourists.

The little town really only has about three streets, and they're all pretty close together - a very cramped town. Those streets are nearly completely lined with artisan stores. Leatherwork. Jewelry. Kaleidescopes and other glass sculptures. Paintings. Pottery. In these stores were the tourists...LOTS of tourists...buying the wares. There are eateries scattered about, but the hub of the town...the social core of Jerome...is The Spirit Room - a biker bar/club with live music - and the amphitheater across the street where those younger than 21 gather to listen. And on probably 1/3 of the shops and restaurants there you can find the rainbow flag. The homosexual crowd there doesn't seem to be the flamboyant variety...just fairly abundant, and well accepted by the community at large. The entire town is by and large a deviation from the traditional conservatism that has been Arizona for the past hundred years (although the state's definitely becoming more liberal over the past decade or so.

They have a large, lit up J on the mountain in which the town is set which sparkled like the stars above it. We found a nearly perfect spot just up the road from town to pull into and watch the light display. No clouds, no moon, good times.