Ninjas!!!!!

Best Birthday Moments

My birthday's commin' up...another year older (I've been gettin' older since the day I was born, but I'll be damned if I'm gettin' old...f that). Typically my birthdays have been rather unmemorable - not necessarily bad, just nothing noteworthy. In fact, more often than not I completely forget about my birthday until suddenly there's a balloon at my desk or package at the door. "What's this for.....oh, yeah!" There have been a few good ones, though...

- 13. I actually had two parties for this one, one good surprise birthday party (they actually kept it hidden from me!) with all kinds of folks there, and one afterwards where just a few of the guys and I went to watch Peoria kick Cactus' ass 55-33 (yes, I still remember the score) then came back to my place and played our own brand of back yard football until we couldn't move any more. This was the last real hurrah that most of us remember Stuart at before his life tragically ended, and it's my understanding that this party was a topic of conversation at our ten-year reunion recently.

- 18. Friends from at least 5 high schools were present after the Peoria/Cactus game (which we won yet again) at a 5th Quarter-type party. There wasn't a hint of drunkenness, but all had a great time. Best cake fight EVER (I lost pretty bad, but who am I to say that a girl can't rub up all over me with icing in her hand?).

- 21. This had none of your drunken debauchery typical of 21st birthday celebrations. Instead, I was in Marine Corps basic training. I got a care package with twinkies from my mom and a card from my sister in the mail on my actual birthday. The odds of those arriving on that exact day together while I was out in the field are pretty not good, yet it happened. I shared the twinkies w/my platoon, of course. One of them is quoted as saying, "OMG, this is the best twinkie I've ever had!" Well, hell, it's the only thing even resembling sugary goodness you've had in about ten weeks which might have something to do with it!

- A little less than two months before 27. A bunch of friends (a couple of you were even there) of mine bought me a lot of drinks the night before GenCon started in Indianapolis. The evening started at Champions sports bar and eventually migrated over to Ram. One conversation went something like this:

Friend - Happy early birthday! Here, have a drink!

Me - What is it?

Friend - Just drink it?

Me - Ok (spoken to self: "Oh, this is gonna mess me up, isn't it?").

It didn't get better from there. The evening involved some combination of whiskeys, gins, margaritas, and beers, and ended with me not being able to feel my fingertips and dropping chips in my lap, laughing the whole time. Sonny had to be my guide back to the hotel where we were staying because I had no idea where we were other than it began with an I. I had a blast this night, and it remains the most fun I've ever had at a convention. I don't know that the same group of friends will ever be together again at the same time.

A Wickedly wonderful evening

So I finally saw Wicked ths past Saturday, and a wonderful show it was!

The evening started at House of Tricks, a nice, unassuming restaurant near the theatre. If you wanna check it out, visit www.houseoftricks.com. It came highly recommended by a couple of friends of mine and some of the entrees are rather unusual twists on old stand-bys so I figured, sure, why not. Well, I'll tell you why - the service was atrocious, the environment wasn't all that comfortable (too hot, little air movement, holes in the ceiling), and the food wasn't good enough to make up for the price of the experience. The food was definitely good, though, in spite of some of the less-than-stellar cheeses. The brie was awful, and I think one of the other ones might have been goat cheese. It was rather disgusting so I didn't care what I was eating as long as I didn't have to have another bite, but the bites I did have were still entertaining at the very least as my date helped me to laugh at my own reactions to the taste. It's rather impossible for me to take things too seriously when she's around (she know at a glance when I'm too stressed or focused and somehow gets me to smile for which I'm grateful even if I say I'm not).

After dinner it was straight to the show. The parking at ASU isn't the greatest so we had to walk a little ways to get to the theatre but once we arrived things were just dandy. All the beautiful people came out in there duds for the show and we were no different - my girlfriend looked quite wonderful in her dress, her face sparkling in the lights as we walked through the lobby, looking very much the lady, and I even shined my shoes the night before! And truly, the show didn't disappoint. Glinda gave an incredible performance, as did Madamme Morrible and The Wizard, the ensemble sounded superb, and the set looked amazing! The only real downer was Fiyero - he looked the part and could sing alright, but his acting was only so-so and his dancing was painful to watch. This is a particularly bad principle to have as a poor dancer considering his big number is entitled "Dancing Through Life," and it wasn't even an understudy! Regardless, the show was quite entertaining.

Overall it was a great night. Good food, a great show for my girlfriend's first "Broadway" experience, and amazing company.

Now the next question is can I make it to "Chicago"...

Geniuses

My boss had this quotation on his calendar the other day:

Talent is what you possess; genius is what possesses you.
-Malcolm Cowley

I pondered this for a while and came to the conclusion that I pretty much agree. Many people are intellectual or smart or intelligent because they've worked at acquiring knowledge and have applied it successfully. But geniuses...they don't work at it so much, it's just who they are. That's not to say that they don't work hard or acquire vast amounts of knowledge or lack intellectual prowess - to the contrary, many geniuses tend to display such tendencies. I simply contend that geniuses don't have to work at being a genius - it just flows from them.

I've been fortunate to have been around a pretty fair amount of folks I would consider to be geniuses. My jr. high special ed teacher was a brilliant educator and I learned every bit I could from her. I think Hayden is one. He might bitch a lot, but he bitches brilliantly. My ol' nemesis Colleen is probably one, and is growing more genius as she travels through life. My buddy James was the best game-player I ever knew and there's no doubt in my mind that if he was alive today he not only would have multiple national/world championship titles for various fantasy sports leagues and TCGs but would also have probably been hired as either a game designer or contract consultant to review new games.

I think most people are capable of moments of genius but only a few folks are blessed (or cursed, depending on your point of view) with living a life of genius.

Boof? Really?

How can you not be a fan of a pitcher named Boof? Nope, that's not his nickname. That's his real name. Boof.

26 Boof Bonser, SP

Height/Weight: 6-4/260 Birthdate: 10/14/1981 Birthplace: St. Petersburg, FL Bats/Throws: R/R

I don't think he's foreign which makes me wonder, how does a mother come to name her son Boof? My dad wanted to name me BF (for real! Just the letters BF for my first name, not initials) so that I would be BF Goodrich. Mom about broke his fingers at the thought and that ended that.

What the hell are you lookin' at THAT for?

I was talking to someone the other day about Superman and my jaw dropped when a certain question came up. I'll paraphrase the conversaion below (names have been changed to protect the guilty):

Me - It's alright, I'm like Superman, made of steel!

Johnson - Yeah, okay.

Me - Ha ha.

Johnson - So does Superman wear a cup?

Me - Um, wut?

Johnson - Well, I mean he's got the perfect package [note - lest there be any confusion, this is refering to the way Superman's penis is shaped in his tights, not Superman's recent UPS shipment of pez dispensers].

Me - What the HELL are you looking at THAT for?

Johnson - Well, he does! It's like perfectly proportional to his body! Nobody has a penis like that without a cup.

Me - No, he doesn't wear a cup! Why the hell would he need a cup? He's made of STEEL!

Johnson - No, I'm sorry. I don't care, if he gets hit there he's gonna crumble like a bitch unless he's wearing a cup just like any other guy.

Me - Dude, no. You don't know what you're talking about. His only weakness is kryptonite, not kryptonite and his nuts.

Johnson - I'm tellin' you, it would at least hurt a little bit.

Me - Whatever. I don't wanna talk about this any more.

*sigh* Every time I think about this conversation it makes me sad. I was never really a huge fan of comic books but now I REALLY don't want to read them - I'm too afraid that I'll open one up to a page where Superman is punching some dude's lights out and instead of "POW!" it says "WANG!"

Happy Birthday, Controller!!!

One year ago today this blog was born. Conceived from peer pressure, produced as an experiment, and nurtured by neurosis, I look back on this online journal and am amazed it lasted any longer than three months. When I was in school I always hated journaling but I'm thinking it was for three reasons: I didn't appreciate being told what to write about, I didn't like the fact that I didn't get to choose who saw this journal, and I didn't care for my teachers to numerically qualify my thoughts. Evidently my brain thinks this is different.

So, to celebrate, I've given my blog a spiffy new hit counter! Time to see how many different people actually love me (seven, maybe?). If you appreciate the blog, cool! I appreciate your looking. If you don't...well, give it an F. See if I care.

Heralding in a new era

The good news: A peer of mine is leaving the department right as a manager's position is included in our proposed budget. Assuming (and this is something of a precarious assumption) that the manager's position makes it through the budget and is approved, this makes me an early favorite for the promotion.

The bad news: This peer is also a dear friend of mine. She was my trainer when I first started out, then became my boss, a mentor, a friend, my ex-wive's boss, a sounding board, a professional resource, a co-conspirator, and general partner in crime. We can turn to each other to pop off about work or go have a beer or talk football or have dinner with the family or go see each other's drama productions or whatever. And she's leaving. She's been there through some of my most challenging moments in life and soon I'll no longer have her there.

It's a good move for her and her family and the promotion might be a good move for me, but I'm selfishly not sure that I'm willing to trade her for a promotion. Today and yesterday she's been pretty tear-filled as she's told myself and our boss. I'll probably return the favor when she finally leaves. Dammit.

I'm a regular comedian

Yup, it's true. I'm funny because I have dessert after dinner (although sometimes I have it before hand...or before and after).

I'm just sayin...

"I look like crap today..."

Nonsense.

That's what that line is. It's nonsense. Sure, maybe folks don't look their best when they say it, but who cares? Who are they really trying to impress?

I hear that line or some variation thereof more frequently than I care to admit. I hear it from friends, from family, from coworkers and peers, simple acquaintances...even people I meet at conventions. But man oh man, who are you trying to impress? Me? If you're a friend or loved one, why are you still trying to impress me? I'm something of an idiot when it comes to fashion so of all the folks to worry about impressing, I ought to be towards the bottom. And I promise I'm not going to run the other way if you're not looking your Sunday best. If you're a coworker or acquaintance, why do you really care what I think about how you look? And if you're at a convention...well, unless you're a competition cosplayer and you're making it a point to look a certain way, take a look around you - many of the folks there are...uh...not necessarily the most attractive to begin with.

But my point is this. I know we all like to look good - that's understandable - but I don't much care how you look, or how your house looks, or how your car looks. So relax. Be comfortable and kick back. You don't have to impress me, especially if you're a friend or family member or loved one. If you want to look good, do it because you just like to look good, or because you're on the prowl, or because you're on a date w/your loved one and you just want to be dressed up for the occasion. But not for others in general...who cares what they think.

(Yes, I know...most typically we are attracted to our girlfriends/significant others physically before anything else. And yes, it's nice for them to look nice and sometimes it's even cool to be all dolled up and such. But I've never been dating someone that I didn't think was attractive even when they were out of make-up and in grungy clothes (albeit clean) and their hair was all messed up. That's probably part of the reason I was attracted to them to begin with because something in me saw that I could see them like that and still think they were beautiful. And make-up is overrated anyway. So yes, this even applies to them.)

Kissing

I'm not comfortable watching other people kiss or otherwise share romantic moments. I'm not really sure why this is, but for as long as I can remember it's been this way. I noticed it once again when I was out watching a movie with my ladyfriend last night and caught myself looking at the ceiling while the folks on the screen were all kissy kissy with each other. It's not that I'm grossed out by it by any means - I'm actually a big fan of kisses and romance and all that happy nonsense, myself. But for some reason I just don't feel comfortable watching others in similar situations. Maybe it's because I feel like I'm interrupting a private moment. Maybe it's because I wish it was me in those moments and don't want to see such things happening to others and not me and I'm just flat out jealous (hey, some stuff that happens in the movies is pretty dang cool, even if it is fake). Maybe it's because I think they're doing it all wrong and am saddened by their lack of attention to detail.

Eh, I don't know. Maybe I'm just retarded.

One wish for Kiki

Your comments are always (I may live to regret that) welcome here, but for goodness sake, start your own blog!

Latneau, where are you!?!?!

Ollie ollie in free!!! If you're out there and reading this, just know that I hope you're well and happy.

Hospitality of the NYC

Many have commented that New York City is something of a fire-tempering furnace for humans - live there and it will make you hardened; live there long enough and you can live through anything. While I could see the evidence of such wear and tear on the faces of passers-by that littered the streets, my experience in the city was nowhere near as bitter as what I had imagined it might be.

This time we rolled into the city around 7:00 and arrived at Michael's place in Garden City (by way of Long Island) around 8AM. Mike was a riot to have on the trip with us but at this point the riot was over. He needed to turn around and get to work, and Greg and I were no less desperate for sleep. Garden City was immaculate and it was evident that the houses weren't exactly cheap. In any case this house provided a bit of well-deserved respite from the road for Greg and a waystation for me to change and freshen up a bit.

After a two hour power nap it was back to the crowded city streets again to meet Orlando and Saveena, aka Gyrick-XX and Rosette_Chrno from my Ragnarok guild. I've never met a guild in an online game that seemed as dedicated to one another in game as they do in real life, and this was simply more evidence of such devotion. We all have fun in game, but IRL we listen to each other, share with each other, laugh, and cry. Problems as serious as deaths in the family and struggles with governments are borne by one another; joys ranging from obtaining a drivers license (that is, if Muffin ever DID get her license...) to hearing children laughing in the background to watching anime and drinking Pepsi are shared as well. We met at Yummie's at 12th St and 3rd Ave....great peeps, great conversation, great food, and great times. Rose and G, thank you for meeting me there and sharing wth me, offering your lives in and out of game, and for the meal! I look forward to seeing you again sometime.

Another long ride back to the other side of town lands me here at JFK. I was concerned about getting through security so I repacked all my stuff. Ironically, this was the *fastest* security check-in I've ever had (five minutes front to back, done deal). It's been a beautiful day with low humidity and clear skies and the flight is scheduled to leave on time.

As we travelled through the city from destination to destination, it was great just to see the architecture and lifestyle of the people. I saw Shea Stadium, both major airports, the US Open place (freakin huge for a tennis court...are you kidding me?), the World's Fair Expo (many of you would know this by sight, recognizing it as where the two UFOs were at the end of Men in Black). Various bridges, street-side shops, subway stations, and the like. The city is not without it's problems. Rent is ridiculous, driving is a life-and-death proposal, homelessness is an issue...things like that. But, even with it's problems, NYC is a beautiful place. The people, while hardened, still seemed to be enjoying themselves. Even at 2AM people were outside taking jogs and walking their dogs with no fear in their eyes. There are more parks than anywhere I've ever seen, and there is plenty of activity in those parks. The people are resiliant, bouncing back from tragedies as severe as 9/11 to as minor as a car stalled in the middle of the road, but regardless of the size of the challenge the city simply knows how to regroup, adapt, and overcome on the fly. Nothing less than an NBC attack on the ENTIRE city could take it down, and even then I wonder if the city comes out on top.

I'm ready to come home. I've had fun and seen great friends, but there are some folks that I dearly miss and want to get back to. Before I do, though, one last shout out to Greg who's either on his way to Philly, very much on autopilot, to watch the Mets game, or on his way back to Jersey to pass out for 72 hours. Either way - Greg, thank you so much! You were the one that made this trip possible on every account, from planning and logistics to navigation to execution and entertainment. You, sir, are a gentleman and a scholar - everything Kiki aspires to be ;-)

The Con (in summation)

First off, let me say that there will be no pictures. I was barely outside of the exhibit hall, and the tournament hall was really nothing terribly photogenic beyond the assorted pics of the players and winners (which I'll link to later). The exhibit hall was good but it pales in comparison to ComicCon...as does pretty much everything else.

We had a great tournament turn-out. 28-32 people for various side events with 80 people showing up for worlds. All the side events went pretty well with only two exceptions, and both of those were logistical in nature (we had to delay the start of the Alchemist Challenge and Tournament of Champions because we simply didn't have the bodies/manpower at those times due to other minor issues during the day). Worlds really was a great competition - particularly the top 16! Five members from Team Hammergirl made the top 16, as did three folks from Arizona. Two 'Zonies even made top four (well done, Justin and Ricardo!). The stress came in the fourth and fifth hours for me. During the fourth hour we noticed that the tournament software decided to urinate on itself and replace two folks' names with "???". Brilliant! After about 30 minutes of trying to fix it we finally re-input the entire tournament by hand up to that folks. Sure, only 3 rounds, but at 40 results per round...not so fun. Problem two came in the fifth hour when I made two bum rulings. One was easily fixed and didn't have any real impact on the match or tournament, fortunately. The other permitted players to play a card according to a clarification that was made on the forums long ago but apparently not entered into an official rules document - I know better, but in my sleep deprived state I enabled it to continue. While I don't believe either ruling would have had any material impact on the top 16, I hold myself to a higher standard than that. Lessons learned.T

As it turned out, the final pairing was something of my worst nightmare. One of the fellows in the finals was a guy that I nearly kicked out of the tournament hall last year. He's not a bad guy...just doesn't know when to stop talking and is still learning when to be serious versus when his form of humor is acceptable. He actually reminds me a lot of Tom Arnold (in actions and speech manerisms, not appearance). So I have the pleasure of watching this guy through a best two of three format with an increased time limit. "Yes, you have to take required actions. No, you can't throw your card stacks towards your opponent. Yes, you really do have to randomize your cards above the table rather than below it." Wheee!!!!

While the tournament was a grind at times, much hilarity ensued at 3:30 in the morning. When we got back to the hotel rooms Mike started playing with the text-to-speech feature of his browser. By the time we were done I'd laughed my abdominals and cheeks into cramped little muscles...it hurt!!! When you're tired and have been counting cards all day, there's not much funnier than hearing a computer say in it's best Stephen Hawkings voice, "Comb your beard! I don't wanna hear that shit!........ Penis."

The Con was good, but much tiring. This one might have even been my last one for a good while so I guess it's bittersweet. At this point I'm out of flight vouchers and I want a real vacation. All I know is this fall I'm heading to the beach with someone and it will have nothing to do with a convention whatsoever. Go me! :-)

Too much judging, not enough beer

Let see here...so far the tally looks like this:

Hours spent judging - 30
Drinks consumed during the convention - 0

/sad

Tonight I got so bored and tired ans sleep deprived that I started singing "On the twelve days of Worlds my players gave to me..."

Every day ended with "...a beer!" Too bad that was only a made up song and not reality - any player that brought me a beer would have received an automatic game win.

The real irony of all this is that our tournaments have been held in the Budweiser Lounge all weekend (no joke!), and all weekend the lounge has remained completely dry, selling only water and soda.

Notice that neither of those options is beer.

The city that never sleeps (so neither did I)(or Hayden)

The flight was pretty uneventful and actually passed seemingly quickly. Nothing noteworthy other than my streak of having to go through the furthest gates from the the baggage claim and/or entrance is intact *thrills not really*. In any case, I make the mile-long trek to retrieve my bag and head outside to meet Greg.

For being a large airport, JFK has a pretty streamlined passenger pickup system. That is, assuming you make it past the bevy of cab drivers that assail you with their cornecopia of foreign accents. I didn't mind that they asked VERY proactively if I needed a cab. It's their job, and more than a few people do require their services. HOWEVER, when driver A asks if I need a taxi and receives a response in the negative, you would figure that drivers B, C, D, ...M - all of which are within earshot or eyesight of my original response - would have figured out that I STILL don't need a cab. But they didn't, and they asked, and I said "No, I'm good, thanks," about 13 times. I love New York! So after I forged my way through the mass of medallions I crossed the street to the passenger pickup area where Greg was waiting and we were off to the big city!

At about 3 miles per hour.

Evidently EVERYONE tries to leave JFK at about 11:30 EST. But we survived. Our first order of business, I tell my driver, is food. I've had a bagel and some fries at this point, thus my powerful need for sustanence. He asks what I'm in the mood for, I say whatever is filling and won't kill me. He takes me to the Neptune Diner in Astoria, voted best diner in Queens for like 17 decades running or some other similar filthy long streak. I might be exagerating that. But anywho, we go in and the first thing I notice is that in this diner is a full service bar. The bar only has room for two people, but it has all the standard drafts and spirits. Unexpected, but nifteh!!! I'm in no mood for alcohol at this point, however, so we take our seats and I begin to peruse the book-like menu. Once again, the first thing you see is the alcohol menu. That's not so unusual. What IS unusual, though, is that it's located right next to the breakfast menu. "Can I get a short stack and an amaretto sour, please?" I continue looking through the menu and, my heavens, they have EVERYTHING, and it ALL looks good!!! I finally decide, of all things, on a Turkey club. This is most unusual for me because NEVER in my life have I had a Turkey club sandwich. I wanted protein, however, along with something relatively healthy. Oh, and a vanilla coke :-) Folks, I'm convinced that this was the best turkey club you could ever have. The turkey wasn't your standard turkey cold cuts, no. They took a normal, whole turkey breast and sliced it like you might at Thanksgiving (assuming you could slice your turkey in perfect 1/8th inch thick slices), then gave me 8 slices of it. The tomato and lettuce were fresh and crisp, and the bacon was cooked perfectly. Not too much mayo...just enough...and the potato salad was freakin' awesome, too!

Official review - I give the Neptune Diner three thumbs up (I'm grabbing Greg's thumb and pointing it in the air as well)

Honestly, I want to go back and try their other stuff because everything just looked so damn good!

From the Neptune we went to see Hayden in the "city," aka Manhattan. Greg took me down Park Avenue to get to the dorm and meet the man-genius. Wouldn't you know it, he was waiting for us on the corner outside! Superb service, even! I thought we were going to crash there for an hour before driving to Columbus but as it happened we just sat in the sauna (aka the non-air-conditioned confines of the dorm) for a few hours and caught up on times, keeping Hayden up as necessary. Hayden was a fantastic sport about this little visit, though, opening up his schedule and his room to us, for which I am greatful. Sincerely, Hayden, thank you for visiting for a while! Next time we *will* kidnap you, though. Osteoperosis will still be there for you when you get back.

As we left Hayden's place Greg was kind enough to indulge me in a bit of sight-seeing, dark as it was, through the town. After the sight-seeing we headed down to Jersey, made one quick stop at his apartment, and we were off. A few observations...

- In case anyone was wondering, I'm still easily amused. I saw a fruitstand on the side of the road and got excited. Getting fresh fruit at a fruit stand or farmer's market isn't all that big of a deal, but I defy you to find a place that sells such wares at 3:00AM in the Phoenix metro area.

- The moon was RIDICULOUSLY bright and full. Not a cloud in the sky, and we actually drove into the harvest moonset. It was like a spotlight from a police chopper was guiding us (not that I've ever been targeted by a police spotlight)

- Broadway and Time Square are so...bright. And big. And bright. Like brighter than Vegas bright. "They say the neon lights are bright on Brooooadwaaaay..." It's true, and I don't think I've been to any place quite like it. I wanna see more!!!

- Central park is massive. Unless you actually go there I'm not sure it's possible to really grasp just how big it is. Literally, miles long. MILES!!!

- It cracks me up that the Lincoln Tunnel is comprised of four "tubes." Tubes? No, that's what you go floating down the river in. Silly city slickers.

- The speed limit in NYC is 30 mph, and there are NO rights on red lights. Weird, but it's vital to your survival as a motorist.

- Trucks and other vehcles were parked in the middle of the streets as Greg and I were driving around. Some were service vehicles, some were delivery vehicles, and some were random cars. In Phoenix, if you park your vehicle in the middle of the road, you're gonna get a ticket or towed. In NYC, however, this seems to be par for the course. After seeing multiple vehicles jutting out into the roadway, I've summed up the rules that seem to govern this practice into one simple observation: there are none, which leads to the next observation...

- In the Phoenix metro area, speed limits and stop signs are frequenly just suggestions. The drivers of NYC tend to treat lane markings as suggestions. When vehciles park in the middle of the runway, NYC drivers have learned/been forced to instinctively just go where there's space. This helps to explain homo sapiens courtlandae's propensity to bitch at San Diego's downtown drivers.

- Folks in New Jersey have to have 'leet parallel parking skills to live there, as many of the parking jobs left paper-thin resevoirs of space between their cars and those adjacent. How they actually parked between some of those vehciles I'll never comprehend unless it involved some type of crane or VTOL (vertical takeoff and landing) capabilities.

- Philadelphia smells like dog food; New Jersey smells like a smorgasboard of dung; New York smells like ocean water or trash depending on where you are.

- I woke up at 8:00 AM AZ time on 8/08. I didn't sleep until 3:30PM on 8/09, and then only for about 2.5 hrs. If NYC doesn't sleep, and Hayden wasn't sleeping, than neither was I. And I didn't.

Going to Indy by way of NCY...FTW?

I got packed and cleaned up pretty quickly this morning, but there were three stops to be made - a vitamin C trip to Frys, a stop off at the Emerald Palace campus to dance a long-overdue jig (I couldn't go inside since I was on my 5-day mandatory trip which means everyone on the south end of the building could have seen my 'leet dance moves), and a stop at the brother's house for the laptop (thanks Sonny!). After that it was a scary van ride to the airport.

I love the airport, but I really enjoy Sky Harbor over many of the others for one main reason - the drunken automated terminal attendant. It's a program that recognizes phonograms and has a voice clip for each phonogram presented in a message. Some messages are pre-programmed to repeat every X minutes; others are paging folks to various areas. It's the latter of the two types that are rather humorous because, while it DOES recognize phonograms, it DOESN't know when to use the various sound clips. So, if you were to try and page "Bret Favre" it would pronounce it "Bret Farve" (AS ANY GOOD YOUNG ENGLISH STUDENT SHOULD! How the hell that's not Farve, I'll never know). The other problem with it is that it doesn't understand standard timing/spacing or pauses in diction so every phonogram in a word is rather slurred together (thus, the drunken). As often as I've heard this thing in action, it never gets old.

The original plan was to fly to NYC, meet up w/Greg, and drive through Columbus to Indianapolis thereby making what should have been a 3400 mile round trip into roughly 6000. Well done! Plans changed for the better, though, as Greg - genius that he is - came up with the idea of detouring down to Kentucky to see Aaron Harang pitch against Chris Carpenter. More miles, but more fun! Cool! Wait, no, plans changed again. Now we're picking up his friend at Port Columbus and meeting a couple of ladies from GAMA, Jody and Sue, for lunch but I guess we're not hitting the game. Oh well, I'd love to see the game but lunch will still be good, as is splitting the vehicle and gas costs three ways instead of two.

We ended up sitting on the plane for about a 1/2 hour as they delayed all the traffic that would be heading N/E to the St. Paul routing. I don't mind sitting on the plane, but the problem was that the engines were still running and causing the plane to bounce up and down, simulating it's own turbulance. Perfect. We were delayed to avoid turbulence, so we decided to create our own? Yeah!!! F you, control tower! We got your turbulence right here!

So here I sit, about 105 minutes left of the flight, largly surrounded by children.

CAA ACA
CCA MAA
AAA CAC

Fortunately only one is an infant and has been relatively well behaved.

So far, good trip, save for one minor...well, no, pretty big detail - I'm mad hungry!!! I really didn't feel like the airline food and the Italian Sausage and fries I had before I left isn't doing the trick. They say NYC is the city that doesn't sleep. Well, Ol' Blue Eyes, mah tummy is prayin' that you're right because the first thing I'm going to ask Greg to do is take me to get some grub.

That's all for now.

One of my favorite mini-stories

I still laugh when I read this. No, I didn't write it.

***

I like monkeys.

The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought this was odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth so I bought 200 of them. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one of them drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals. I laughed. They punched me in the genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well into their new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive. They all died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. God damn cheap monkeys.

I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room; on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys.

I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for awhile...that is, until they started to decompose. It started to smell really bad.

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn't want to call a plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decompostition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them every thirty seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't go bad.

I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet; two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer; and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The oder wasn't improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I really had to use the bathroom. So I went and severely beat one of the monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him I had a wet one. He couldn't take it either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't quite know what to say. They pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.

I like monkeys.

Because I'm feeling a bit revealing (and bored) at the moment

1. Where were you 3 hours ago?
Same place I am right now - in front of my computer and the TV.

2. Who are you in love with?
Woah...

3. Have you ever eaten a crayon?
Not on purpose, I think I hate a little wax as a kid when trying to peel the paper off with my teeth...

4. Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?
Strangely, yes. Brittney made a Ninja sign for me with a pink-and-yellow highlighted background that's on my monitor.

5. When is the last time you went to the mall?
About six weeks ago when I went browsing for some of the finishing touches on Brittney's b-day gift.

6. Are you wearing socks right now?
Nope.

7. Do you have a car worth over $2,000?
Sure do!

8. When was the last time you drove out of town?
Two weeks ago. Ahhh...San Diego, how I miss thee!

9. Have you been to the movies in the last 5 days?
Nah.

10. Are you hot?
I have never described myself at hot. Occasionally as sexy, but not hot. Others might have said I'm hot...I don't specifically recall. I know they've said my eyes are hot along with various other parts of the body, but I don't remember any of them calling the whole package hot.

And if you mean, "Am I in the sweltering heat?" No, we have a/c.

11. What was the last thing you had to drink?
Water (and I'm ashamed to admit that)

12. What are you wearing right now?
Shorts and a t.

13. Do you wash your car or let the car wash do it?
Generally the car wash, but sometimes me. My girlfriend thinks I should go over to her place and wash my car in a bikini. We'll see if that happens (wait, no we wont...).

14. Last food that you ate?
Pretzels

15. Where were you last week at this time?
Out w/Sonny havin' me a beer.

16. Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?
No.

17. When is the last time you ran?
A couple weeks ago at ComicCon.

18. What's the last sporting event you watched?
X-games as I type.

19. What is your favorite animal?
Dogs!

20. Your dream vacation?
Ummm...something involving spending time on the ocean (that's not a cruise) either in SoCal or western Europe.

21. Last person's house you were in?
My folks.

22. Worst injury you've ever had?
Shattered my wrist in 8th grade, breaking six different bones. Took twelve weeks to recover and it never healed correctly.

23. Have you been in love?
Damn straight!

24. Do you miss anyone right now?
Absolutely. The girlfriend and the best friends...

25. Last play you saw?
Ummm...God's Favorite by Neil Simon.

26. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
Little romantic gestures, massages, and stories....

27. What are your plans for tonight?
Going to go hang out w/Joe and some of the guys to help celebrate his birthday.

28. Who is the last person you sent a MySpace message or comment?
F MySpace. MySpace is the dark side. I heart Google!!!

29. Next trip you are going to take?
Heading to Indy by way of New York and I can't freakin' wait!

30. Ever go to camp?
Yes, and oh how I loved them. Pine Summit holds a lot of memories for me...

31. Were you an honor roll student in school?
Definitely, but it's not really something I aimed for.

32. What do you want to know about the future?
If I'll ever get hitched again or have children.

33. Are you wearing any perfume or cologne?
At the moment, no. But I generally do.

34. Are you due sometime this year for a doctor's visit?
Man I hope not. I already saw too many this year.

35. Where is your best friend?
I would guess in his house in Phoenix.

36. How is your best friend?
An idiot. We get along famously.

37. Do you have a tan?
The sun is my enemy. No, no tan. I go from white to red in a few moments.

38. What are you listening to right now?
No music at the moment.

39. Do you collect anything?
Ohio State trinkets and collectable cards.

40. Who is the biggest gossiper you know?
A couple of folks at work.

41. Last time you got stopped by a cop or pulled over?
Umm...a little over three years ago for a speeding ticket. I had just picked up In N Out burger and was bringing it home to the gf.

42. Have you ever drank your soda from a straw?
Haven't most of us? Yes.

43. What does your last text message say?
Received - Having a great time! We went to the arch and union station yesterday, and are going to the game tonight!
Sent - Sounds like a great time! Take care...

44. Do you like hot sauce?
Sometimes.

45. Last time you took a shower?
Yesterday morning. Need to take one here pretty soon tho. Time to stop being lazy and go out.

46. Do you need to do laundry?
Doing it currently. One more load to go...

47. What is your heritage?
Western European mutt.

48. Are you someone's best friend?
Unless this one died, too, yes.

49. Are you rich?
Heheh....not a chance.

50. What were you doing at 12AM last night?
Watching Son in Law. It's so stupid but I still love that movie.

Cause for a celebration

FOOTBALL!!!

Thank goodness it's back! Looking forward to the seasons - pro, college, post, and fantasy (maybe I'll actually win a league this year)!

My worst nightmare - STA PLE

I just saw a new Jack in the Box commercial where Jack allows one of his employees to introduce a new "pick-me-up" into the office - a cheerleader that runs around shouting all sorts of office nonsense in your stereotypical 5AM chipper antichrist voice.

I swear on all that is currency, if someone comes up and does that to me at work there will be pain...lots and lots of pain. But man, is that commercial funny!

(PS - I did a brief search for it on the internet (read as "I checked two sites") and couldn't find it. If anybody can provide me a link to it I'd be your friend for a while.)

Rules to live by (at conventions)

For those that haven't been to a con before, please realize that even though this is meant to be funny, his rules are...well, serious. All the stuff he makes fun of is more real than I'd like to admit.

And for those that have been to a convention, you know how true this is...

Foamy's rules for the masses