Fear, Coming Out, and a New Chapter

When my ex divorced me, my life changed.

That probably sounds like a colossal "Duh!" but hear me out.

Prior to being divorced I essentially lived my life with reckless abandon. I sold myself out in relationships and most everything else. For those that saw my efforts with .hack//ENEMY I think you saw some of the evidence of that - what I loved, I loved dearly, whole-heartedly, and with all the energy I had within myself.

Then came the divorce, and all that changed. Suddenly the once-fearless one became the picture of timidity. See, to me, the possibility of divorce wasn't in the scope of reality so hearing someone tell me, "I don't want to be married any more," was like someone trying to tell me that 1+1 did NOT equal 2...it just didn't, couldn't compute. But there was the reality I was forced to accept, and it literally changed my view of reality. Part of that change left me as a shell of my former self, timid and afraid.

I vowed to get better.

It took about two years to really get over the divorce and get back to a point where I could handle building new relationships - essentially a prototypical recovery. What I never regained, though, was my fearlessness, and that became evident in my relationships and conversation.

It wasn't what people saw that was the problem. It was what they didn't see.

What people saw was me dating again. They saw me having fun again. Smiling again. Goin' out with the guys and watching fights and gaming again. All that was fine and good, but fear was causing me to hide the most influential part of my life away from almost all that knew me.

I'm a Christian, but I wasn't showing it. I was afraid. Now many of you know I'm a Christian from prior conversations we've had, but that's not the point. The point is that if you didn't know before, you wouldn't have known from how I've represented myself over the past two years and that's pretty much antithetical to the faith.

It should come as no shock to me that once I started making Him a part of my life again, my fearlessness slowly....s l o w l y...started to return. Now this doesn't mean that suddenly I'm going to be this judgemental bible-thumper. To the contrary, this is about me being who I am again rather than me judging others. Frankly many of you have told me some very personal and sometimes controversial tidbits about yourself over the years, and I dare say that I've never placed judgement on any of you. That's not my place, nor my desire. Nor is it my desire to cram my faith down your throat. If you'd like to discuss faith-related issues I'll be more than happy to listen to you and talk with you. What this does mean, though, is that I'll not hide my faith any more, nor my faith-related concerns.

It also means that I should probably once again watch my language. You'll probably see less swearing in my blog posts and hear less swearing from me in general. I've also returned to youth ministry after a three and a half year hiatus: I've now taken an active role in my church's college ministry and am very much enjoying it. It's like an old warrior picking up his sword after being away from the front lines for many years...it's a little awkward, but it starts to come back to you after a few swings.

It also does NOT mean that I'm going to be any less opinionated on things. I like what I like, and I shun what I don't. I still love gaming and football and UFC fights and Ohio State and all that kind of stuff. Michigan still is where Satan was born. Etc, etc, etc.

One other thing this does mean is that I'll be starting a new chapter in my blogging. Rather than adding on to a blog that never let my spirituality come out, I think it's time to make a new start...a literal display of an internal change. My blogging will now take place at boyandhissword.blogspot.com. There you will find all the usual types of posts from me, however intermixed with them will be various posts relating to my spirituality. Some of you may not be interested in reading such things, and that's fine. I don't blame you if you choose not to visit the blog any more. Just know that I still value the friendship I have with all of you no matter what. Hopefully, though, you'll still visit the new blog.

It is what is was, just with a few new additions.